Tonight

As each month passes, we near the 1 year mark of trying for a baby....thus far with no success.  It's definitely not a milestone I'm looking forward to, but it's inevitable, regardless if I want it here or not. 

For all intents and purposes, I'm not pregnant this month.  Currently, I'm immensely disappointed and upset.  At the same time, I'm choosing not to get myself emotionally worked up, which more often than not, is not easy to do.  For at least tonight though, I will not wallow in my heart ache.  It doesn't mean that the emotions are gone because they're not.  I instead know that there are so many people who are suffering far more than me and are glorifying God through their ordeal., which is more than I can say of my behavior over the past 10 months.

That doesn't negate my struggle but I can't victimize myself either.  All that does is weaken my faith and trust and it saddens my God.  It only ever hurts.  So, tonight, I take my small victory and aim to stick with it.  Right now, my only goal is to choose not to cry or wallow in self pity.  I will choose to think of something else.  As my victories grow in number (slowly but surely) I will add better and more God-honoring goals.  For the time being though, all I can really do is not think about our lack of success.

Baby steps.

Honest

There a very few people who know most of my true thoughts and feelings on things I'm thinking and struggling with.  While I'm mostly open with that select few, there are, however, still things I keep only to myself, mostly from shame and fear of acknowledging that I feel these things because it feels wrong to feel them.

I don't doubt God's ability to do anything He want's to - I have zero problem believing and acknowledging that and know that He is all powerful.  What I do struggle with is Him actually CHOOSING to do things and having a feeling that He's actually choosing to withhold children from us.  If that's the case, why?  I hate asking that question because I know in asking that, it's laden with doubt and as a child of God, that's the last thing I should be doing....but I'm struggling.  I'm hurting and I'm struggling with why I've been unable to attain this thing I so desperately desire.  

I can't express how deeply I desire to be a mom, to be pregnant and to have children of my own.  We've been trying for 7 months now and have to take a brief hiatus beginning September due to scheduling conflicts in 2013 when a baby would be born if conceived Sept-Nov, and that prospect is just demoralizing.  I have no optimism that this month will be any different from the previous 6.  I have no optimism that God will bless me this month.  I don't know if something is actually wrong with me or this is just something God has not seen fit to bless me with.

I hate this.  This period in my life has been truly difficult and full of heart break.  I know it's only been 7 months, but seeing all my peers have rousing success so quickly after trying just rubs salt in the open wound.  I'm struggling mightily with the prospect that maybe I'm either not supposed to have children of my own, that I'm not meant to have them now, or whatever other reason their could be.  I don't understand why I'm not pregnant now and what's preventing it from happening. 

I am also struggling with the prospect of surrendering these desires to God because I can't foresee how there can be anything better than the plan I have in mind.  I don't see how waiting to have kids later is better than having them now.  I'm young, financially we can do it, I'm healthy as far as I know, I can keep my job, and many other great benefits.  So why can't we have a child?

I don't understand any of this. 

Joy and Hope

How can you hope for something that has eluded you time and time again?

I wish I had some inspirational anecdote for this, but I've got nothing right now.

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Ok, it's been about 15 minutes since I wrote the first two sentences.  I read this from Jesus Calling in attempt to right my thinking.  It was exactly what I needed to hear:

"Thank me for the very things that are troubling you.  You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in My Face.  You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining about My treatment of you,  But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self-pity can sweep you away.  The best protection against this indulgence is thanksgiving.  It is impossible to thank Me and curse Me at the same time.  

Thanking Me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first.  But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith, will eventually make a difference in your heart.  Thankfulness awakens you to My Presence, which overshadows all your problems"

Psalm 116:17
"I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord."

Philippians 4:4-6
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

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Given what has transpired this morning in the span of about 20 minutes (going from completely despondent and wallowing in self-pity/hopelessness to not that), reading this couldn't have happened at a more perfect time.  I can't say that I'm happy or filled with exuberance - I'd be incredibly fake if I said I was.  Reading this though was a reminder and a warning to not continue down the path I've been heading down all week.   I honestly don't know where to begin - how do I not give into feelings of hopelessness and how do I fight the urges and emotions that are so desperately fighting for my attention?  What's more, how do I have feelings of hope...I don't want to hope because hope deferred hurts like nothing else that I've experienced in my young life....which probably isn't saying much but it's the best that I've got.  I'm gun shy with hope at this point.

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I love this verse, but I think for the first time I'm realizing that I don't really know how to functionally do this...how to make my attitude and thoughts change based on this command.  If there's anything I'm learning through this whole experience, it's that there's a lot that I say and think I know but don't.

I didn't expect this.

If you had asked me a year ago if I thought I would get pregnant right away, I would have told you yes.  I'm young, healthy with no history of medical problems (none that I know of anyway) and the same goes for my husband.

With enthusiasm, optimism, and excitement, we began trying in January 2012.  Timing had always been an issue for us leading up to Jan 2012 because of certain events we needed to be present for in middle/late of 2012 and getting pregnant before then would have prevented that.  We had been less careful Nov-Dec but nothing ever happened.  I chalked it all up to the fact that we were still being careful enough to not get pregnant, if that makes sense.  Skip ahead 5 months and nothing has happened even now.

I honestly never anticipated this.  I had expected to be at least 4 months pregnant by now, having a nice cute bump that would be seen in pictures for my best friends wedding.  Nope, just as flat (well, relatively...) as ever.

I know it's only been 5 months and so many other couples have had far greater struggles in this area than I have at my tender age of 23 with only 5 months of officially trying.  As a woman though, that logic only goes so far.  My insecurities have been gradually mounting as each childless month passes.  If I'm so young and healthy but still have no child, there's got to be something wrong.  I stopped running/doing any form of cardio (thinking that was part of the problem) in attempt to help my body prep itself.  That went into affect in March.  Still nothing.

This month I was a week late.  This cycle was different because normally my body changes a lot before the monthly dreaded event occurs.  Not one thing changed.  Looking back on it now, I wonder if I was just in denial.  I've never been in denial before, but I guess there's a first for everything.

I was slowly getting excited thinking that finally this was it - that my little Isaac or Eva (Ay-va) would finally be here and would make their official arrival in 9 months.  The prospect of being a potential mom was nerve-wracking but incredibly exciting.

However, while I was a week late, I kept getting negatives on pregnancy tests.  I tried to explain them away (it was old, I did it wrong, maybe it's not sensitive enough) but it never really alleviated the nagging feeling that it there wasn't anything wrong with the tests but that I wasn't really pregnant.  I did my best to keep my hopes tempered in preparation that this cycle could just be a fluke, but a lot of the time that was like asking the sky to not be blue.

Turns out, I wasn't pregnant.

Since then, there's been a lot of heart ache, disappointment, demoralization, feelings of hopelessness and balling my eyes out.  I've truly come to appreciate the verse in Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..."

I know that no matter what happens, God is sovereign and always in control.  If this season is simply to strengthen my faith and reliance on Him, or if it's to prepare me for a greater struggle like not being able to have kids, I know it will be to my benefit in the end.  These following verses were sent to my by my best friend and cousin.  I think these will be coming along with me in this journey however long it lasts.

Ephesians 3:13-21

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

13 Therefore I ask [a]you not to lose heart at my tribulations on your behalf, [b]for they are your glory.

14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom [c]every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the [d]saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

20  Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 21  to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations [e]forever and ever. Amen.

This hasn't been an easy several months.  Whether it gets easier from here on out or harder, only God knows but I will keep my eyes pointed upward.  Here's to praying for the strength to rely and find my joy in Him and nothing else.  Here's also to praying that I be joyful and grateful for all that I do have and not what I don't.