Joy and Hope

How can you hope for something that has eluded you time and time again?

I wish I had some inspirational anecdote for this, but I've got nothing right now.

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Ok, it's been about 15 minutes since I wrote the first two sentences.  I read this from Jesus Calling in attempt to right my thinking.  It was exactly what I needed to hear:

"Thank me for the very things that are troubling you.  You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in My Face.  You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining about My treatment of you,  But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self-pity can sweep you away.  The best protection against this indulgence is thanksgiving.  It is impossible to thank Me and curse Me at the same time.  

Thanking Me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first.  But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith, will eventually make a difference in your heart.  Thankfulness awakens you to My Presence, which overshadows all your problems"

Psalm 116:17
"I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord."

Philippians 4:4-6
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

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Given what has transpired this morning in the span of about 20 minutes (going from completely despondent and wallowing in self-pity/hopelessness to not that), reading this couldn't have happened at a more perfect time.  I can't say that I'm happy or filled with exuberance - I'd be incredibly fake if I said I was.  Reading this though was a reminder and a warning to not continue down the path I've been heading down all week.   I honestly don't know where to begin - how do I not give into feelings of hopelessness and how do I fight the urges and emotions that are so desperately fighting for my attention?  What's more, how do I have feelings of hope...I don't want to hope because hope deferred hurts like nothing else that I've experienced in my young life....which probably isn't saying much but it's the best that I've got.  I'm gun shy with hope at this point.

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I love this verse, but I think for the first time I'm realizing that I don't really know how to functionally do this...how to make my attitude and thoughts change based on this command.  If there's anything I'm learning through this whole experience, it's that there's a lot that I say and think I know but don't.