As each month passes, we near the 1 year mark of trying for a baby....thus far with no success. It's definitely not a milestone I'm looking forward to, but it's inevitable, regardless if I want it here or not.
For all intents and purposes, I'm not pregnant this month. Currently, I'm immensely disappointed and upset. At the same time, I'm choosing not to get myself emotionally worked up, which more often than not, is not easy to do. For at least tonight though, I will not wallow in my heart ache. It doesn't mean that the emotions are gone because they're not. I instead know that there are so many people who are suffering far more than me and are glorifying God through their ordeal., which is more than I can say of my behavior over the past 10 months.
That doesn't negate my struggle but I can't victimize myself either. All that does is weaken my faith and trust and it saddens my God. It only ever hurts. So, tonight, I take my small victory and aim to stick with it. Right now, my only goal is to choose not to cry or wallow in self pity. I will choose to think of something else. As my victories grow in number (slowly but surely) I will add better and more God-honoring goals. For the time being though, all I can really do is not think about our lack of success.
Baby steps.
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