I didn't expect this.

If you had asked me a year ago if I thought I would get pregnant right away, I would have told you yes.  I'm young, healthy with no history of medical problems (none that I know of anyway) and the same goes for my husband.

With enthusiasm, optimism, and excitement, we began trying in January 2012.  Timing had always been an issue for us leading up to Jan 2012 because of certain events we needed to be present for in middle/late of 2012 and getting pregnant before then would have prevented that.  We had been less careful Nov-Dec but nothing ever happened.  I chalked it all up to the fact that we were still being careful enough to not get pregnant, if that makes sense.  Skip ahead 5 months and nothing has happened even now.

I honestly never anticipated this.  I had expected to be at least 4 months pregnant by now, having a nice cute bump that would be seen in pictures for my best friends wedding.  Nope, just as flat (well, relatively...) as ever.

I know it's only been 5 months and so many other couples have had far greater struggles in this area than I have at my tender age of 23 with only 5 months of officially trying.  As a woman though, that logic only goes so far.  My insecurities have been gradually mounting as each childless month passes.  If I'm so young and healthy but still have no child, there's got to be something wrong.  I stopped running/doing any form of cardio (thinking that was part of the problem) in attempt to help my body prep itself.  That went into affect in March.  Still nothing.

This month I was a week late.  This cycle was different because normally my body changes a lot before the monthly dreaded event occurs.  Not one thing changed.  Looking back on it now, I wonder if I was just in denial.  I've never been in denial before, but I guess there's a first for everything.

I was slowly getting excited thinking that finally this was it - that my little Isaac or Eva (Ay-va) would finally be here and would make their official arrival in 9 months.  The prospect of being a potential mom was nerve-wracking but incredibly exciting.

However, while I was a week late, I kept getting negatives on pregnancy tests.  I tried to explain them away (it was old, I did it wrong, maybe it's not sensitive enough) but it never really alleviated the nagging feeling that it there wasn't anything wrong with the tests but that I wasn't really pregnant.  I did my best to keep my hopes tempered in preparation that this cycle could just be a fluke, but a lot of the time that was like asking the sky to not be blue.

Turns out, I wasn't pregnant.

Since then, there's been a lot of heart ache, disappointment, demoralization, feelings of hopelessness and balling my eyes out.  I've truly come to appreciate the verse in Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..."

I know that no matter what happens, God is sovereign and always in control.  If this season is simply to strengthen my faith and reliance on Him, or if it's to prepare me for a greater struggle like not being able to have kids, I know it will be to my benefit in the end.  These following verses were sent to my by my best friend and cousin.  I think these will be coming along with me in this journey however long it lasts.

Ephesians 3:13-21

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

13 Therefore I ask [a]you not to lose heart at my tribulations on your behalf, [b]for they are your glory.

14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom [c]every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the [d]saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

20  Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 21  to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations [e]forever and ever. Amen.

This hasn't been an easy several months.  Whether it gets easier from here on out or harder, only God knows but I will keep my eyes pointed upward.  Here's to praying for the strength to rely and find my joy in Him and nothing else.  Here's also to praying that I be joyful and grateful for all that I do have and not what I don't.