Honest

There a very few people who know most of my true thoughts and feelings on things I'm thinking and struggling with.  While I'm mostly open with that select few, there are, however, still things I keep only to myself, mostly from shame and fear of acknowledging that I feel these things because it feels wrong to feel them.

I don't doubt God's ability to do anything He want's to - I have zero problem believing and acknowledging that and know that He is all powerful.  What I do struggle with is Him actually CHOOSING to do things and having a feeling that He's actually choosing to withhold children from us.  If that's the case, why?  I hate asking that question because I know in asking that, it's laden with doubt and as a child of God, that's the last thing I should be doing....but I'm struggling.  I'm hurting and I'm struggling with why I've been unable to attain this thing I so desperately desire.  

I can't express how deeply I desire to be a mom, to be pregnant and to have children of my own.  We've been trying for 7 months now and have to take a brief hiatus beginning September due to scheduling conflicts in 2013 when a baby would be born if conceived Sept-Nov, and that prospect is just demoralizing.  I have no optimism that this month will be any different from the previous 6.  I have no optimism that God will bless me this month.  I don't know if something is actually wrong with me or this is just something God has not seen fit to bless me with.

I hate this.  This period in my life has been truly difficult and full of heart break.  I know it's only been 7 months, but seeing all my peers have rousing success so quickly after trying just rubs salt in the open wound.  I'm struggling mightily with the prospect that maybe I'm either not supposed to have children of my own, that I'm not meant to have them now, or whatever other reason their could be.  I don't understand why I'm not pregnant now and what's preventing it from happening. 

I am also struggling with the prospect of surrendering these desires to God because I can't foresee how there can be anything better than the plan I have in mind.  I don't see how waiting to have kids later is better than having them now.  I'm young, financially we can do it, I'm healthy as far as I know, I can keep my job, and many other great benefits.  So why can't we have a child?

I don't understand any of this.